


I Know

by KatG



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Bullied Castiel (Supernatural), Hope, M/M, Secret Identity, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-23
Updated: 2020-05-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:01:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23796562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatG/pseuds/KatG
Summary: Dean starts off his first day at yet another new school thanks to John getting kicked off yet another construction crew. He hadn’t meant to snoop, he really didn't. He was just going to ‘borrow’ a notebook from the locker next to his. It’s not his fault the first fucking page was damn near a suicide note.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 5
Kudos: 101





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please don't read if this will trigger you. I'm basing Castiel's feelings off of my own experiences.  
> Please let me know if I need to tag something, I really suck at tags.

_None of you know. None of you know about the pills I took last night. You don’t know how I slipped into a state where I couldn’t move and my mind was sluggish. None of you know that that’s the most at peace I’ve felt in so long. It almost worked, but it wasn’t enough. Next time I’ll make sure it’s enough.  
None of you know how empty I am inside. How disconnected I feel from the world. None of you know about the list that I keep on me. The list of every single person that’s pushed me to this point. None of you know that you are killing me. But then again, none of you care._

Dean rereads the page again and again, no longer caring that he’s supposed to be answering the questions on the board. The cheap notebook he’d swiped from the locker next to his with its unassuming yellow cover has his full attention. The handwriting is messy, but not in a way that it looks hurried. The fine lines have a calm, but naturally illegible feel. It wasn’t written in anger, the page after it doesn’t even have a bit of an indent from the ink of whatever pen had been used.

It’s a standard hick town high school with only 200 kids from preschool to 12th grade. Dean’s been through more of these schools than he cares to keep track of thanks to his alcoholic ass of a dad. Hell, if it weren’t for Sammy he’d have said fuck it and dropped out already. Before he really knows what he’s going to say, Dean finds himself filling in the rest of the page with his own chicken scratch.

__\-------_ _

___I know. I know the siren call of suicide, I hear it all the time. I know how it feels to be so fucked up that you think it’s finally over. I know how right it felt when I thought I was done for. It wasn’t on purpose, but fuck it wasn’t an accident either. Either way it didn’t stick.  
I know how empty a person can feel. How the whole world keeps going even after it’s hit you, then just to spite you it backs up and hits you again. I know. I know that that list you keep is only weighing you down. Maybe none of them give a shit, but I do. I give a shit because I know._ _ _

Castiel swallows down the lump in his throat, well-rehearsed at forcing himself not to cry in class. He’d been in such a rush this morning that it wasn’t until he was already sitting in Mr. Adler’s classroom that he realized he’d grabbed the wrong notebook. Not a huge deal, the class ended up in a lively debate regarding 2nd amendment rights that derailed the entire period. But he only had the notebook with his college prep writing assignments. And that one he turns into a teacher at the end of the week for grading. Not exactly ideal for venting out suicidal frustrations without someone attempting to intervene. Though to be fair, Castiel doubts any of the people here would take a hint about it if he showed up to class with his wrists slit down to the bone. But that’s not true. This person would notice.

However, that does raise the question of how there’s a response on the page at all. Not only was the notebook exactly where he’d left it, but that page was written yesterday during his last period class. Castiel was never stupid enough to leave a notebook with such personal information in a locker, espeically beings they don’t actually lock. Logically that meant whoever had written it wrote it while he was in 1st period.

Maybe they were sincere, or maybe they were just feeling sorry for him. Either way, Castiel is drawn to know more. For the first time in years there is someone who might might consider Castiel a human worth having around. He flips to the back of the page and puts his pen to paper.


	2. Chapter 2

_You say you know, but how can you? I’ve been alone in this crowd for so long. No matter how genuine your note to me seems I can’t help but hold my breath for the punchline. For photos of what I wrote to end up online or photocopies lining the halls.  
You can’t know, so don’t pretend like you do._

Dean wasn’t planning on checking the notebook again so soon. But he’d left his phone in his locker and wanted to check in on Sammy during lunch. Checking in on the notebook was too tempting to pass up, so when he checked the locker and found it standing up on the shelf, he’d just known that there was a reply waiting for him.

He still hadn’t caught a glimpse of whose got the locker next to his. He’d almost been late to every class waiting to see if they showed up, but so far nothing. Schools this size don’t exactly have a lot of class options either. So the person was probably in some of the classes he’d had already this morning. None of them seem suicidal, but to be fair there really isn’t a way to look suicidal either.

Whoever the notebook belonged to has some serious trust issues to think this was a joke. What kind of sick fuck would joke about this shit? What kind of asshole would see someone’s cry for help and plaster it all over for everyone to see? Shit, if that’s the kind of people in this town there’s no wonder this person tried to off themself.

He still had plenty of time before the bell rings to signal the start of afternoon classes so he fishes a pen out of his pocket and gets to convince the notebook owner about his intentions.

__\-------_ _

_Listen here, buddy. I KNOW. I’ve been fucked over by life enough to know how tempting the idea of just shooting myself in the head and letting it be someone else’s mess to clean up for once. I know how damn good it feels to get lost in the bottom of a bottle. Thanks to my dad I know what that shit does to a person when it’s all they know._  
 _So don’t you fucking tell me I don’t know. I’ve been raising my kid brother for 12 years by stealing food from gas stations and scamming money out of people. For_ fucks sake _I know the kind of empty that selling handjobs in a truck stop bathroom can leave you._  
 _It’s not like you know me. Not like anyone really knows me._

Bile rises in Castiel’s throat. Not only has he misjudged his mystery writer, but they’ve walked through Hell themself. A terrible and selfish part of Castiel is almost glad to hear that his writer knows. That they have any semblance of what he feels. Maybe it’s more than a little messed up. But maybe they can help each other feel less like dying.

**Author's Note:**

> I know. If you don't think anyone knows, I do.


End file.
